So I've done quite a bit of reading lately on issues dealing with dealing with narcissism and especially the emotional and verbal abuse that goes with it.  Having lived with it for several years myself, it is very comforting and refreshing to finally understand that I am not the only person in the world who has been subject to that kind of abuse.   For the longest time I just thought that it was personal issues that my ex had, stemming from his low self-esteem, depression, PTSD, whatever excuse I could think of to try to justify what made him behave the way that he did.   Looking back now, and based on what I've learned since he left and I was free from living with it every day, I can see very easily where my frustration was coming from.  I, as a well-adjusted and rationally thinking person, was trying to rationalize the actions of a crazy man.   Yeah, that's right.  I just called him crazy.   I have learned that the worst mistake that you can make in dealing with a narcissist is to treat them like a rational person.   Most people who have been brought with an sense of common courtesy, manners, and respect for one's fellow man, have basically been taught to live by "the Golden Rule," which Jesus taught us.   "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  (Matthew 7:12)   Even though that is a principle that originated from Scripture, it is essentially the foundation for all social protocol among the majority of the world today (at least in what we would consider "civilized" society).   Kindergartners are taught on the playground not to hit, shove, push, fight, name-call, tease, bully, cut in line, anything, because why??   That's right!  "Would you want him to do that to you?"   Only, in the narcissist's world, or any abuser's world, for that matter, that rule is totally alien.  To them, people are meat.    Expendable.    Objects.   Disposable.    Currency to be used, wasted, thrown away in order to get whatever type of satisfaction it is that they ultimately seek.    In the case of the narcissist, psychologists refer to this as "narcissistic supply," which is basically the narcissist's high that they get off of anything that, in their mind, validates their superiority over their fellow man.    My ex used to get the most enjoyment out of reminding me that his northern home state ranked higher on the United Stated education scale than my southern home state (it actually doesn't, lol).  He bragged to me all the time of the merits of his fancy, northern high-school education versus my down-home, second rate, southern Christian education.   He had FFA and he dissected a frog and went to prom and I didn't.   Never mind that I reminded him every single time that I kept an A average all through not only high school but college as well (while he never even attended college, and when he DID start online classes at the end of our marriage, guess who got him through his assignments?  Yep me.   Second rate education my sweet patooty.)   Nevertheless, in his mind, he had to continually remind me of his great superiority over me and do his absolute best to make me feel like white-trash.   (Let me just say here, THANK GOD for my family and friends and my amazing church family who supported me and never let me fall under his would-be Jedi mind tricks.)  Yes, I lived with it for years without realizing that I was an abused woman, but once that realization came about (that's a story for another day), but now I can see it so clearly.   Every time another memory of another conversation pops up in my mind that I was once bewildered at, wondering how on earth he couldn't have understood such common sense as I was telling him, now I can look back and understand why.

It's because of this experience that I have a passion in me to help the six-years-ago-me's to see now where they are and what they are living through and to be able to understand that there is no changing him, there's no "hoping my marriage gets better."    There's only succumb to the abuse and live with it or stand up, put your foot down, and put a stop to it.   Yes, I believe that most of the time that might mean the end of a marriage, but I know that there are those few miraculous other instances where he does change and seek help.   I know that not all emotionally abusive men are narcissists.  Some are just products of a bad upbringing and need to be taught a better way.   Some of them, well, some there's just no helping them.  And let me add this as well, I am 100% in support of fixing a broken marriage as opposed to divorce, and I am one million percent against casual divorce or "irreconcilable differences."   I do not believe it's ever okay to divorce because the spark is gone, we've both changed, we're different people now than when we were married, or neither/one of us just aren't/isn't happy anymore.    Put on your big girl pants, grow up, suck it up and work it out.   Anyone who's been married for longer than a month would tell you that that was coming, and you have to make the conscious choice together to make it better again.  But this isn't marriage counseling, lol.   However I DO NOT EVER THINK A WOMAN, OR MAN, SHOULD STAY IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE, AND CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE FORCED TO ENDURE THE ABUSE EITHER.   Get out.   If he gets help, great.   If not, God never intended for you to live your life as someone's punching bag, physically or verbally, and when the two of you stand before Him and have to answer for how you respected the vows that you made to Him on your wedding day, the abuser will be the one who has to answer for it.  Based on everything that the Bible says about God's character, I do not  believe for one second that He would look at a woman who walked away from an abusive marriage and say, "I thought you swore to Me for better or for worse?"  I think He instead He's up in heaven right now saying, "You both made your vows, but he is hurting you on a daily basis and enjoying it.  Get out and let Me give you something that will fulfill you and not destroy you."    Satan abuses us, not God.    A wise man once said, "This is a mean, ol', ugly world," and it's true.   This ain't heaven, mister.   God's perfect plan is for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and they become one.    That doesn't always happen, though, and God knows it.   Be free, dear one.  

I can only speak for myself, but if a man ever put his hands on me in violence, assuming he had a hand left afterwards, I would be completely finished with him.    I will not put up with it at all.    Precious, verbal abuse is no less painful than physical abuse.   It's just more insidious because it doesn't leave bruises.   In my mind, it's worse, honestly.  

If you suspect that you might be in the midst of an emotionally abusive relationship, or you know someone who might, I found a really great article on how to know if you are or not.
http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/138933/15_signs_youre_in_an

I'll also post the contents of that article here:

Emotional abuse, while it leaves no marks, can sometimes be the hardest type of abuse to understand in a relationship. It's hard to imagine that someone who "loves you" could abuse you -- and besides, it's just words, right? It's not like you're being BEATEN.

Sad truth is, while broken bones heal, the wounds left from emotional abuse can last a lifetime.

Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a partner uses verbal assault, fear, or humiliation to undermine the other person's self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

Here are some signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) You're afraid to tell your partner about a normal happening - your car needs brakes, your boss made you work overtime - because you're not sure how he will react.

2) When you do talk to your significant other, he puts you down and makes you feel stupid.

3) You make yourself available to your partner no matter what the personal cost - just to avoid a confrontation.

4) You no longer want to bring your significant other around your friends or family because you're afraid he will berate you and humiliate you in front of your loved ones.
More from The Stir: Michelle Williams Gives Love Advice Every Woman Should Hear

5) You've begun to believe that you're the crazy one -- that you're the one with the problem.

6) When talking about an accomplishment - a promotion or something equally exciting - your partner sneers at you, putting you down, mocking your achievement rather than celebrating it.

7) You feel helpless, like you're trapped in the relationship.

8) Your partner treats you like an object, like property, not like a person with real feelings.

9) Your partner keeps a tight control on all things: money, the phone, using the car, who you see and what you do.

10) If you fight back, your significant other blames you for the abusive behavior. "If you weren't so dumb, I wouldn't have to yell at you."

11) You've begun to see yourself as worthless -- just like your partner tells you you are.

12) You'll go out of your way to please your significant other, no matter how much you have to sacrifice. If that means staying up all night to wash the floor, so be it. It beats the "lecture."

13) You're in complete isolation. Your partner doesn't want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you - not him.

14) You've begun to feel as though you deserve to be treated badly. If you were a better person, you wouldn't make him so mad!

15) You find yourself having to rush to his defense whenever he is brought up in conversation. You make excuses for his behavior regardless of the situation.

If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship or even if you think you're being abused but it's "not bad enough" to do anything about it, remember: it is. No one deserves to be treated this way, and everyone is worthy of respect. Even you.

One thing I've learned: if you suspect that you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship, the best thing to do is to seek help.  Consult a professional counselor.  Or if you can't afford to pay for help, you can call your local domestic abuse hotline, women's shelter, or even a rape crisis center.   Emotional abuse may have the same public attention as physical abuse, but that does not mean that you have less of a right to help than anyone else.  These places are well-equipped with counselors who can help you.   (Your pastor at church is also an excellent source of support and counsel, too.)   Call.  You deserve help.  You deserve to be respected and loved and protected.  You are precious.